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Researchers followed married couples to understand why some marriages endured while others slowly wore down ending in divorce.

What they found was that successful couples didn’t fight less.

They still had difficult conversations about money, parenting, schedules, stress, and expectations. They argued about many of the same things as couples who struggled.

The difference wasn’t the topic, nor the frequency.

It was about control…

Think back to a time when the argument went to the deep south and never fully recovered, then assess whether you adopt this sort of speak within your arguments…

“You need to…”
“Why don’t you ever…”
“You always…”

Those sort of phrases became subtle attempts at control.

Instead of explaining what someone was experiencing, they told the other person what they should be doing. Even when the intention was to solve a problem, the message often sounded like criticism.

In relationships that deteriorated, that pattern became common.

Conversations turned into attempts to manage the other person’s behavior. The focus drifted away from the issue and toward fixing the spouse. Old frustrations resurfaced, and the tone hardened.

Couples who stayed strong over time tended to do something different.

They removed the controlling language.

Instead of directing their partner, they described their own experience or feelings. Instead of accusing, they explained.

They stayed with the issue at hand rather than widening the argument. Their words reflected ownership of their feelings rather than authority over their spouse.

Perhaps you recognized a moment when a conversation with your partner shifted.

A comment landed wrong. A tone changed. You felt dismissed. It sucks! Your body reacted before your mind fully caught up, and your language often changed with it.

IF you can stay away from controlling type language and focus instead of what they are saying, your own feelings, and staying focused, that’s a great sign that you have the mental toughness to endure!

And your marriage will survive.

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